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by kaylena “the
beauty of this lifestyle is the discovery” One
of the most important things to remember when reading or discussing
anything concerning the BDSM lifestyle is to remember 99% of
everything has is no absolute wrong or absolute right answer.
The only exception comes in the content of consent; if a bottom
says no, safe words, or in any form voices her rejection of someone or
some activity that is an absolute.
Keep this in mind while you continue to read.
The broad definitions and explanations have been compiled
through many hours of research and discussions with real people who
are active in the community. Before getting into the meat of this article there are a few terms that are widely used in the BDSM community that are not used in the same context out side the scene. You may run across these as your reading here or other places so I’ve decided to spell them out for you. One of these is the word vanilla. If you probably think of the flavoring extract used to cook with, however in a BDSM context it stands for something or someone who is not in the lifestyle. Two other terms you’ll see in the body of this article are munch and social. A Munch is a gathering of people active in the BDSM lifestyle usually for coffee, lunch, or dinner. Munches are in held restaurants or other openly public places in order to make the environment more relaxed for newcomers, usually on regular monthly schedule, and are announced publicly. Dress is typically casual street clothes, attending munches is a good place to begin to meet people in the community face-to-face. Socials are the same as munches, but a tad but more formal and held privately. Socials are most commonly by invite only but if you begin attending munches your sure to find yourself an invite. Strictly
for the ease of understanding article the terms Top will be used to
indicate Master, Mistress, Dominate, and bottom to include all
submissives, slaves, and masochists for this piece.
This in no way indicates that one is any better or more
accepted then the other and only serves to hinder any possible
confusion. What
is BDSM? One
of the most misunderstood and widely debated issues concerning the
BDSM lifestyle is in the definition of submissive, slave, and
masochist but before even attempting to define the differences between
them it's important that you be aware of what BDSM stands for.
Broken down into relatively simple terms BDSM looks like this. B&D
= Bondage Discipline B&D
stands for Bondage and Discipline, loosely defined this includes
sexual activities involving erotic restraint in a Top/bottom
relationship. This includes all forms of bondage and restraint,
whether it be lightly tying your partner to a bed and pleasuring him
or her, or intricately excruciating Japanese rope bondage. The appeal
of bondage comes from the experience of feeling being completely
helpless and trusting his or her Top. There is no obvious counter part
in vanilla sex that elicits the same deep emotional tie that is so
necessary with B&D. Discipline,
the other widely practiced component of B&D, traditionally covers
all methods of punishments and training. Often this includes behavior
modification in order to teach the bottom to better serve his or her
Top. In this type of situation discipline may be physical
(infliction of pain or discomfort) or psychological (infliction of
humiliation or a time-out). Most
all D/s relationships include some form of B&D as an aspect of the
relationship but not always. D/s,
Dominance and submission is a more appropriate term to describe the
consensual exchange of control or power between two (or sometimes
more) people. In this
type of relationship play can include, but is not limited to, B&D
and/or SM play. Most often in a D/s relationship the Top will be
referred to as Master or Mistress and the bottom as a submissive or
slave. There
are a wide variety of different forms of submission in D/s. At times
you will see bottoms who feel the need to give control of his or her
every day life but become equal or Tops during play. This particular
aspect of submission is what most vanilla people do not comprehend.
Why the hell would anyone want to serve another person and follow ever
command and NOT get to cum? On
the other spectrum you’ll find bottoms who submit sexually but need
a more equal or Top role during sexual play.
There is no set standard to gauge what a D/s relationship
should be; D/s is set as long as there is an consensual exchange of
power between the two whether it be for 24/7 or just sexual. SM
is the sexual or erotic activity involving the giving and receiving of
pain and pleasure, again remember the importance of consent. The
letters of the expression refer to sadism and masochism although most
people spell this term SM to indicate that sadomasochism is one word
and one lifestyle, not two. When vanilla or newbies hear the term SM
they tend to assume play is always harsh physical pain or even abuse,
in reality, many of the people who choose to play with physical erotic
power prefer do so gently. The
most widely practiced form of SM play is by far is hand spanking.
Often you'll find even vanilla people slapping the asses of
each other during sex. On
the flip side there is the more extreme activities such cuttings or
knife play where the bottom actually feels the sensation of pleasure
from having the skin cut or pierced and blood is produced. Play as harsh as this are often referred to as Blood Sports
due to the possibility of the bottom bleeding. Any
of these relationships can be practiced without including any aspects
of the others but more often you will find that the Top and bottom
have come to a combined level of each customized to their needs as a
couple and as individuals. As
an example of this would be a combined ground between D/s and SM is
emotional sadism/emotional masochism. The most common form is
embarrassment or humiliation intentionally inflicted by the Top to the
bottom. This include but is not limited to name-calling, having one's
partner say he or she has behaved naughtily, or having one's partner
engage in an emotionally uncomfortable activity (e.g., masturbating in
public, eating from a dog dish, wearing a collar and leash in a
vanilla setting). Another form of emotional SM is
abandonment; commonly this kind of play involves the top
responding coldly or abandoning the bottom in an unfamiliar place.
Once again the issue of trust and consent becomes a major
factor due to the possibility of serious emotional or mental damage
being done to the bottom. Sub,
slave, masochist which are you? Is
there such a thing as a "true" Top or a "true"
bottom? I dare you to
walk into any munch, social, or play party and announce that you are a
true Top or true bottom. More
likely then not you’ll be laughed at and escorted out by the seat of
your fake leather pants. In
reality being a Top or a bottom is a matter of personal feelings, how
much and where you submit depends on the level of trust and commitment
in the relationship. Many
bottoms only submit sexually but keep control of the rest of their
lives with one Top then end up in a 24/7 relationship giving up total
control to the next. Who
is to say that what someone else feels is the real, true thing as
opposed to what you feel? As diverse as the BDSM community is we need
to strive to be non-judgemental and accepting of others as possible.
These definition are only a starting place, please note that there is
no hard and fast rule as to how much power you have to give up in
order to be considered a sub or a slave or a masochist.
It's all a matter of opinion. Of
all three submissive is the easiest to define. The term submissive is
used to describe a person who relinquishes control to some part of his
or her life. This power
exchange is usually manifested in a sexual context but not
necessarily, it may or may not include aspects of everyday life or
during sexual activities. Where
he or she may enjoy submitting to their Top they have not, or do not,
wish to give up control much deeper then that. Put simple a submissive
retains some control of some aspect of his or her life. The
title slave is defiantly the term most debated of the three, opinions
very greatly over at what point a submissive qualifies as a slave,
whether or not a slave has to give up 100% of control.
Slave, once used more generally for the SM bottom, has become
more accepted as applying to submissive in a long-term dominant -
submissive relationship. A
slave tends to be characterized as a submissive that has given their
Top a broader range of power over their lives but still within the
boundaries of the limits accepted by the Dominate partner. Have you ever had a partner swat or slap your ass during sex? Did you enjoy it? If you answer yes to these questions some would consider you a masochist, others believe to honestly be a masochist you must actually perceive the pain as pleasure not just enjoy the sensation of pain. Simply put a masochist is a person who finds pleasure in the sensation of pain. This pain can be as basic as an OTK (over the knee spanking) or as extreme as cutting or knife play. Many bottoms will deny being a masochist but admit to enjoying being spanked. Other bottoms admit to being a masochist but also admit they can only take small amounts. I for one am a self-proclaimed chicken shit lightweight masochist. Now that we've established a very wide and open definition of BDSM, and all of its elements, and the terms submissive, slave, and masochist this is where lines get blurred and everything gets mixed together to create the wonderfully unique community that makes up the BDSM lifestyle. Remember, above all YMMV, Your Mileage May Vary. Self-explanatory: What works for you is what works for you may not work for me. This statement may seem simple and common sense in any text, kink or vanilla, but it’s always easier said then done. Lets start by taking a look at one of the most rare and complete forms of a slave, TPE. The
TPE Slave Total
Power Exchange (or TPE) is a term that is used to describe a certain
category of 24/7 D/s relationships wherein the slave gives up to the
dominant a very comprehensive range of rights to control his or her
life completely. TPE is
the closest to the original meaning of slavery one can get on a
consensual legal basis. This slave is completely owned, anyone wanting
to challenge this slave as being just a submissive would have a
difficult time doing so. Their day to day lives are completely managed
and controlled by the Master or Mistress, and there are usually
specific tasks that must be completed.
It is not unusual to find that people in this type of
relationship have actually negotiated and signed a contract stating
what each needs and expects from the other.
Even though these contracts are not legally binding they
provide both with a certain level of protection and guarantees that
there are no misunderstandings. Becoming
a TPE slave is something many aspire to but in reality is difficult to
obtain even in a 24/7 relationship.
Deciding to enter into a TPE relationship is not easy and not
to be taken lightly if a bottom us unprepared for this complete and
total surrendering of will or if they have chosen a Top unwisely a
great deal of physical, mental, or emotional damage can be done.
After all you are giving someone the power of life and death
over you. The
TPE slave can and well may be made to service anyone his or her Top
decides for them to in any way they so decide, this extends beyond
just sexually but also in everyday life.
A TPE slaves body can be modified as the Top decides, ringed,
pierced, branded, enhanced, nullified (clitorectomy), whipped, beaten,
tortured, tattooed, or anything else he wishes to do to it.
Sometimes just the knowledge that they CAN do this if they want
is enough, after all if you have chosen your Top using your
intelligence you have chosen one that will cherish and not want to
harm you in any way that would not be beneficial.
If he can find the Doctor to do it anything his heart desires
can and will be done. If he decides that the slave will greet all
visitors on her knees naked and in chains then that is how that slave
will greet visitors. All
of this is something that has been agreed to in accepting the TPE
slave collar. Now
after reading about the TPE slave the freshman to the BDSM life might
be thinking a slave needs to be a doormat to give that much up but
this is far from the truth. Usually,
with a few exceptions, they are very powerful personalities in their
own right with a sharp wit and intelligence and that is one of the
things that makes it Power Exchange.
You can not give up what you don't have, if you are a doormat
you have no power to give up. You must have a strong sense of who you are in order
relinquish your will to this extent.
A TPE slave is something rare and precious and their Tops do
want them to be just as happy as they are.
The Top whom has the courage, strength and power to accept the
responsibility of collaring a TPE slave and use that power to nurture,
protect and love them is scarce.
On the occasion the two do meet and get together the balance
between the two blossoms into the most dynamic and extraordinarily
intense of relationships. Not
many would try to say this kind of TPE slave is not a slave but just a
submissive, however, many people believe that to be considered a slave
you must give up 100% of yourself in all aspects of life.
Opinions very widely what this actually means.
An extreme masochist who is not submissive in everyday life may
give 100% up to and including submitting to being cut, choked, or even
gun-play which could lead in loss of life may consider themselves a
slave. On the reverse angle some bottoms may consider themselves
slaves because they submits on a higher level then most but still has
hard limits which have been outlined and the Top has agreed on, such
as blood sports or gun play. Differences
between slave and sub So
where does the line between slave and submissive belong? If you can
answer this question to the satisfaction of every member of the
community then I’d lay bets you could also cure the common cold, end
world hunger, and negotiate world peace.
There is no definite line or test one can pass in order to be
considered a slave. It’s
all in the mind of the bottom and Top involved its all dependant on
what floats your boat. I
began this section starting with TPE slave because this is the most
extreme and working down is an easier way to understand, so going from
there lets take a look at the SAM.
SAM is defined as a Smart Ass Masochist, these are bottoms who
purposely rebel or misbehave to provoke punishment from a Top.
Most agree that a sam is different then a brat, a sam will
usually go far beyond most accepted limits in order to gain their
objective of attention whereas a brat usually knows when to stop.
In truth SAM's are found more frequently in online play type
chat rooms and are more prone to be just cyber submissives, but not
always. Its my
understanding that the majority of real time Tops do not care for
dealing with SAM's in a real life situation (but there is always the
exception). Be very very
careful whom you decide to be sammy around, if you don't know them
well you could very easily end up in a situation you were not prepared
for. This topic has been debated to death. Like most things in life terminology, definitions will vary from person to person. Most agree that slave submits to a more complex and in-depth level than submissive does, and usually involves consensual ownership of one person by another. This ownership is very often put into writing in the form of a slave contract, but not always. A
submissive can submit 100% but generally still controls their own
life. Basically the only real given is that a slave is a sub but a sub
isn't necessarily a slave and a masochist can be either or neither.
Agreeing to be a slave or slave-owner is an individual choice and
should be considered very seriously.
Whether one considers themselves a slave or submissive is a
very personal thing, there are no absolute lines or tests to pass, and
in a community such as ours we all need to be as non-judgmental as
possible. So, whatever you feel in your heart of hearts you are if it
feels right for you then you should go with it. |
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